my body too heavy to move.
is life just a series of endless steps,
limping, empty, alone?
i want to close my eyes forever,
leave the world
with those who feel its joy.
knowing that joy is possible
yet forever out of reach,
i ask you why?
why am i alive?
how can i have hope
when hope is denied me?
and what is life...
without hope?
alone
in a world of laughter,
darkness
in a world of color.
there's brightness all around me,
lines and squares
marking rooms of happiness.
will my shadow lift?
will a day come
when i
join the colors?
i feel so far away,
so alone,
so distant,
so sad.
i see color
but breathe in sadness.
i feel the hurt around me,
to hold the inside pain
at bay.
fades behind grey glasses.
the sun is less bright,
the trees less green.
pain fills the stillness
in a quiet clearing -
instead of beauty,
instead of peace.
i see shadows, not flowers,
gnarled limbs instead of trees.
sand replaces grasses,
no birdsong or rustling or breeze.
i want to strike out in anger,
to shout or scream or plead.
why?
why did nature choose me?
why must i miss its pleasures,
its granduer, its beauty?
what is it -
so different inside of me?
i close my eyes,
will the darkness to be gone.
the world does not,
did not,
(will not?)
hear my cry.
beauty
surrounds me,
haunts me
memories...
Once upon a time...
... I cared about having a girlfriend who loves me.
... I loved to dance in the waves of the ocean.
... I loved to camp under the stars.
... I loved to bike through small towns
and spend precious minutes with strangers.
... I loved to perform music
that had to be learned to each minute detail.
... I loved the bonding of drumming together.
... I loved marching on the capitol
and demanding change for our cause.
... I enjoyed seeing what tricks a computer could do.
... I liked singing for fun with a group of friends.
... I liked the sparkle in a child's eyes
when they understood something for the first time...
Today, these feel like a fairy tale. Will I someday like the same things I liked before? New ones? Perhaps...
