"broken"
I'm so frustrated I can hardly stand it! I try to practice, and I can't remember what I just did. I can't remember the notes I just played or the ones I'm about to play. They swirl on the page and in my mind, blurring together until there's no music left, merely a jumble of sounds and images.
Once, music meant everything to me. It was a dream, important enough to keep hunting for majors in college until I recognized the intensity of the need for music in my life. It was important enough that I stayed in school and extra year or more to pursue that dream.
Today, I care a little about music, but I feel so much pain around not being able to do it that it's hard to even try. I get scared to let anything matter. It hurts too much. I've lost too much, everything, it seems. I've lost most of my job (teaching music lessons) and a lot of my passion for music. I've lost my girlfriend. Perhaps I've even lost the ability to care.
Choir feels awkward. It's hard to have friends. It's hard to get up. It's hard
to feel close to "normal." It's so hard to even want to care...
husk
i wish i could say
you had your girlfriend back.
i wish i could say
you had her body or her soul.
instead, you have a husk
of what was once her body,
what was once her soul,
what once housed her spirit
but now lies empty...
why stay with a dream, a shadow,
when life pulses inside you?
why stay tied to this shell
when cso many living,
breathing bodies surround you?
why hasn't the world
abandoned the shell
when it has nothing
left to offer?
The darkness is descending.
I'm scared,
alone,
afraid of the pain,
the memory of the black cloud.
Please, i cry,
keep the darkness away.
Help me.
Help me get out.
Help me see the sun again.
Don't let this horror
obliterate me.
Please, i cry,
just let it come.
Let it end.
Let me die.
Let it all be over.
The suffering is too much,
too long.b
I wish i could call only
to the gods of light.
I'm scared of
the gods of darkness.
But instead,
i speak with each in turn,
hoping
someone will hear.
